It’s like, when life is going at a steady pace, and I am able to get through full days without having a total break down, I almost don’t need a social life and internet and distractions every day. I really enjoy not having a cell number open to the public or being contacted and connected to a phone every 2 minutes. Everyone lives on their phones and computers and I have been a part of that…but I really like not having to be. Simple things and times are treasures to me. I’m comfortable and stable enough to have an appetite, I look more “healthy” though I just feel sloppy…whatever, right? I’m happy to say that I am on a good roll right now. A lengthy one. I often find myself bored or anxious because I’m not constantly moving or doing things or being social. I still have a need to fill silences, but I am getting better at not saying stupid things, or stirring up waters while I have my episodes. I now have a lot of control over what I am feeling, rather than my feelings having all the control over me.
I am trying to quit smoking. There are days that I continue to smoke more than I even want to, but I am beginning to ween down more. I don’t feel ready yet. Will power is a big part of quitting, and I don’t yet have it. But I am trying.
Lately I have been spending a lot of time with Ryan and I am so happy to be a part of his life. I sometimes feel a little helpless in life without the friendships I used to have, because I like being an enhancer. Honestly, I really just want to make people feel better. I have been down, and I have gone through a lot more than people know. I just realize some things that people lose sight of often, and I always want to be there for the ones I love to help remind them of what is good, and why they are wonderful. Ryan, you are amazing. Everyday, you are becoming more strong and brave. Its a magnificent thing to witness. I love you very much. Thank you for bringing more love and meaning into our lives.
I hope the photos of my life lately show how good I am doing, all things considering. I guess the only thing I can complain about is money and Quin and their lacking-ness in my life. But I’ve rambled off enough now. Just wanted to say, if you’ve been rooting for me, Thanks, because I think we finally figured it out a little.