My laptop is back in my life. I can’t wait to try and tap into some creative juices with the keyboard back in front of my fingertips.
I may be experiencing a bit of mental breakdown-age, what with plans being moved way up and trying to stay focused, I feel like I’m talking myself into panic mode. No reason for it really except when I do panic, its in such a rational nature that I can’t ignore it. I do think it’s time I look into some DBT maybe? At least some therapy…But I would really like to walk out of a courthouse in North Carolina with the biggest smile on my face, its a time to be celebrated. I am in love, and I am happy. Regardless of what my cycle tends to do, I can’t give into it anymore. It’s not what I want for myself, and knowing that is important. I need to remember to breathe and rationalize.
I am sure this will twist my heart into knots for a long time, but so be it.
My heart is always twisting, and for once, its nothing I haven’t overcome with some grace. I’m sick of feeling either guilty or oppressed, I do not have to be either of those things. I can lead a healthy life and be happy. And I am achieving that. against odds even. Brent is amazing. I am so lucky to have someone so supportive. Grounded is something I never expected to feel in a relationship until later in my life. I suppose I am ready, I trust Brent with all of my vulnerable self, and my beautiful daughter who deserves only the best with me. I’ve got what I always wanted but wasn’t sure I’d find. I’ve got that.
Hopefully I will begin blogging more, it has always served as a dumping source. It feels good to get what I’m trying to sort through, down, in words, allowing me to reread over and over what I’m feeling with detail, so I can avoid this or fix it or whatever it is I do. This time, I hope it always serves as help in the right direction.
I feel better.
-D
