I guess for a while I tried believeing that borderline personality disorder was something to defeat. Though I still believe its something to …take control over…I no longer believe that I, as an unmedicated, untreated borderline case, can ever be free from certain aspects or triggers of bpd.
Things in my personal life are quite chaotic, suffice it to say. I dont think Ive allowed myself to do much real coping, instead, I am dissociating. Prior to the last two weeks, I have had a strong, composed demeanor. I lost my bakery job, and I resorted to moving up in the sub shop for more money… I havent really let myself be sad about it. I guess I just believe that the situation at the bakery was more toxic to me than good. It was not worth the weight of bowing to someone who is wrong, and rude to boot, to stay. But I know that Ive been really … Wrong about myself, too… Now that I have removed myself from comforts arms. I realise that, well, maybe I am losing touch. I thought I had the right reality. I am seeing more now than Ive ever before. This is the right reality.
I know the symptoms of bpd. Once the label was placed, I did research. Lots of research. I learned about myself, I grew to be keenly self aware. But, and I can admit it, I lose my way still. I feel like I only see it once ive lost the control. Or submit to someone, all the power. I guess what I’m getting at is this; I understand what happened. And now I also understand what has to happen for me and for everyone to be safe from my on again, off again relationship with my subconscious personality.
There has to be limits. My biggest problems in life stem from the fact that I dive head first into everything, impulsively. If it sounds good, I’m likely to try it. Not in a reckless sense, first and foremost, but it can be extremely reckless in what are seemingly harmless ways to me. My thoughts are always, “man, why not? Ive been thru worse if this turns out to be wrong.” Where is my sense of responsibility? Where is my rationality, where are the lessons I’ve learned in the past? Why dont I ever learn? I have to learn how to control my environment to be on the same level as people who function without such high intensity. I know I can do it. But I set myself up to be the same person by putting myself at the will and mercy of someones love. I mean that emotionally and financially. I set myself up for failure by becoming intimate before becoming friends. The only reason that matters is because thats important to me. Thats part of my functioning and the only way I know I can do something. Being on the same page. Being open and honest. I have learned some things from my past, in that respect.
I feel that I truly recognise the pattern here. I know that I have yet to be able to move past being blocked out by people I trust and love. For me, it always meant something bad was happening. Thats my bpd. Abandonment is a very real issue. I think mainly because I have been told all my life I cannot survive without a man. I suppose to some it is selfish of me to have gone this far only to bow out woth as much grace as possible. But for me, I believe I am doing the best thing for every party, with my decisions. I am acting human. I am not out of control. But borderline traits are ever present.
I want to be able to accept myself. There is that level of self worth that everyone needs to have. Without it, I feel pathetic and I start devaluing all the things that brought me joy. Mostly because I dont believe I deserve it, I dont deserve to be loved or respected because my feelings are there. They are beating me into submission, taking control of my thoughts. I can avoid this. I know thats what it takes now.
I have never felt more low than I do now. After everything ive done and said. Everything I let down. Everyone, too. I have no idea why the right things dont happen first. Maybe I will be able to move forward after I learn what is truly right for mostly Quin…and how to be the person I know I am, and let bpd be just something I learn to sit with and not act out because of. I hope I’m really doing it right for now, it feels like it isnt even a choice anymore…